STORIES, POEMS, and FUNNIES
STORIES, POEMS, and FUNNIES
Click on an item below for a dog story, poem, or funny!
A
man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and
that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading
them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked
toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close
enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought
right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?"
the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another
long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked
as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate,
he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place
that couldn't be seen from
outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump" the man replied.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink
himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down
the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they
screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
1.
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the
bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in
the house when I am about to get sick.
6. I will not throw up in the car.
7. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like
the way they smell.
8. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in
the backyard after processing.
9. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
10. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
11. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
12. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
13. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard
with it.
14. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
15. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
16. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's
license and car registration.
17. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
18. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage
and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
19. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after
just getting a bath.
20. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
hello.
21. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to
their head.
22. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.
23. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the
water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
24. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when
company is over.
25. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
26. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Just this
side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet
goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special
friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water
and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor.
Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we
remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy
and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special
to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops
and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his
legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
A well-known author and poet was working and vacationing on the southern coast of Spain. One morning, very early, he was walking along the beach - the sun was just rising.
While enjoying the beauty about him, he glanced down the beach and saw a lone figure dancing about. Fascinated by this other person celebrating the day that was about to dawn, he moved closer. As he came nearer he realized that the young man was not dancing, but in one graceful movement was picking objects up from the beach and tossing them out into the sea.
As he approached the young man, he saw that the objects were starfish.
"Why in the world are you throwing starfish in to the water?"
"If the starfish are still on the beach when the tide goes out and the sun rises higher in the sky, they will die," replied the young man as he continued tossing them out to sea.
"That's ridiculous! There are thousands of miles of beaches and millions of starfish. You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man picked up another starfish, paused thoughtfully and remarked as he tossed it out into the waves,
"It makes a difference to this one!"
If your
dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
--Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
--Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
--Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs."
--Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down."
--Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves."
--August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
--Fran Lebowitz
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult."
--Rita Rudner
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
--James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets."
--Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea."
--Robert A. Heinlein
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
GOLDEN
RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?Huh?
Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls
and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time
he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and . . .
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not
one of THEM. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light
in here?
If you
can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then................you are probably a dog.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, there was an unprecedented amount of activity at the Rainbow Bridge. Decisions had to be made. They had to be made quickly. And, they were.
An
issue, not often addressed here, is the fact that many residents really have
no loved one for whom to wait. Think of the pups who lived and died in hideous
puppy mills. No one on earth loved or protected them. What about the many
who spent unhappy lives tied in backyards?
And, the ones who were abused. Who are they to wait for?
We don't talk about that much up here. We share our loved ones as they arrive, happy to do so. But we all know there is nothing like having your very own person who thinks you are the most special pup in the Heavens.
Last
Tuesday morning a request rang out for pups not waiting for specific persons
to volunteer for special assignment.. An eager, curious crowd surged excitedly
forward, each pup wondering what the assignment would be. They were told by
a solemn voice that unexpectedly, all at once, over 6,000 loving people had
left Earth long before they were ready. All the
pups, as all pups do, felt the humans' pain deep in their own hearts.
Without
hearing more, there was a clamoring among them - "May I have one to comfort?"
"I'll take two, I have a big heart." "I have been saving kisses
forever."
One after another they came forward begging for assignment. One cozy-looking fluffy pup hesitantly asked, "Are there any children coming? I would be very comforting for a child 'cause I'm soft and squishy and I always wanted to be hugged."
A group of Dalmatians came forward asking to meet the Firemen and be their friends. The larger working breeds offered to greet the Police Officers and make them feel at home. Little dogs volunteered to do what they do best, cuddle and kiss.
Dogs
who on Earth had never had a kind word or a pat on the head, stepped forward
and said, "I will love any human who needs love." Then all the dogs,
wherever on Earth they originally came from, rushed to the Rainbow Bridge
and stood waiting, overflowing with love to share
each tail wagging an American Flag.
1. Remove film from box and load camera
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
4. Choose a suitable background for photo
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
13. Put magazines back on coffee table
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess
18. Fix a drink
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where
you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this
properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall
to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several
times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves
and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,
then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the
danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all
over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially
if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a
fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't
get the attention you require, especially effective when combined with The
Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky,
a human will love you in return.
When God
had made the earth and sky, the flowers and the trees. He then made all the
animals and all the birds and bees. And when his work was finished, and not
one was quite the same, He said "I'll walk this Earth of mine and give
each one a name". And so he traveled land and sea, and everywhere he
went, a little creature followed him, until it's strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth, and in the sky and sea, the little creature
said "Dear Lord, there's not one left for me". The Father smiled,
and softly said "I've left you to the end,
I've turned my own name back to front, and called you "Dog, my friend".
Letter From Your Pet in Heaven
To my
dearest family,
some things I'd like to say.
But first of all, to let you know,
that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from the Bridge.
Here I dwell with God above.
Here there's no more tears of sadness.
Here is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I am with you
every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you
when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said, "I welcome you.
It's good to have you back again,
you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family,
They'll be here later on."
God gave me a list of things,
that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list,
was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night
the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you...
in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on earth,
and all those loving years,
because you are only human,
they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry:
it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers,
unless there was some rain.
I wish that I could tell you
all that God has planned.
If I were to tell you,
you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain,
though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now,
than I ever was before.
There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it
by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too;
That as you give unto the world,
the world will give to you.
If you can help somebody
who's in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to God at night...
"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented...
that my life was worthwhile.
Knowing as I passed along
I made somebody smile.
God says: "If you meet somebody
who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up,
as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street
with me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind."
"And when it's time for you to go...
from that body to be free.
Remember you're not going...
you're coming here to me."
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls...
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
Callers
found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old
black Labrador Retriever.
Now I lay me down to rest
I long for strength of spirit and
And spare me from the owners please
Please keep me sane while dealing with
Remind me I should bite my lip
Protect my heart when I hear them say
And if I die before I wake
I pray my soul can stand this test
Of watching critters lose their homes
While owners gripe and cry and moan
I pray they'll find a home again
Where they will know a loving heart
I can't do much, but it's a start........
About the baby's allergies
Or how they're moving out of state
Or spitefulness 'tween the cat and mate
The woman who bought as a gift
A wriggling tiny ball of fluff
That now is playing way too rough
When confronted with, "he grew to quick"
"I didn't know he'd get so large"
"He seems to think that he's in charge"
"I think we'll breed our dog one day"
Sometimes I think it'll break in two
Each day brings trials harsh and new
I pray a hopeless soul you'll take
My tears are gone, my faith is bare
Lord, please hear my rescue prayer.
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Page Updated
10/14/04
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972-994-1133
P.O. Box 852625